You know after a bad break up we are all left with questions and mixed emotions. I went through the worse break up of my life but looking back it started way before the day I left. I was in love with the same girl from the moment I looked into her honey brown eyes. I have never loved anyone besides this one woman.
When you are together for all of your life mistakes and mistreatment occur. As teenagers everything is all love and happiness. Once you begin your journey you experience life's challenges and things get harder. There was a time when all I would do all day is look at the clock waiting for the time to go by so I could run home to my bride. If you told me back then that she would all the things that she has done to me over the years I would have laughed at you. She was my bestfriend the girl who I planned on dying with. As time progresses though people change and sometimes it good change other times it's not.
Our marriage became a competition of who could hurt the other the most. She won as I sat in silence many nights thinking about ending my life to stop the pain. It got to a point where there was no love and everything was all about benefits. I found later that my marriage was started off with lies and after the break up God showed me things I would have never imagined. People tend to be easily influenced by other people and lies they want to believe. Now I made a ton of mistakes but I was always a great provider and hard worker. I always put my family's best interest first and I suffered in silence unhappy, unfulfilled and stressed.
You see when you and your partner are not trying to build the same foundation the whole house will fall. A home has always been said to where the heart is. It is also a fact that a woman makes a home. If she is loving, honest, faithful, puts her family first and follows God your home will be filled with joy and happiness. If that is not the case arguments, uneasy feelings and lies will present themselves. The devil lives to destroy what God creates but sometimes God himself will allow a separation for your betterment.
I lost everything I ever built, I mean everything was literally stolen from me. Individuals who had there own agenda took advantage of the issues in my relationship and left me in bankruptcy. After being alone, I went through the 5 stages of separation after divorce Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.
Denial - I could not believe what she had done to me. I could not believe what she had cost our family and kept telling myself that everything would work out in Gods image.
Anger - I was so mad for all the pain and lost that I had to endure at the hands of lies and other people. I could not believe that a woman who had supposedly loved me would ever allow me to suffer the way that she did. She did things to hurt me that I would never in my life ever do to her. I was so upset I thought I would never forgive and be able to live again.
Bargaining - I began to bargain with God. Asking him that if he could fix everything that was broken I would change my life. I would change my ways, my attitude and my manner of speaking. I would live poor and work and start from the bottom all over again simply to see her smile and hold her one more time. I even offered God my life and soul immediately for just one more day with her.
Depression - I went through this stage multiple times. I felt like dying and all I could do was think it would be easier to die. To move on and my wife and kids would be happier if I just ended my life. My days were dark and I thought I would never ever move on.
Acceptance - This was the final stage of the break up. I found God and prayed and began counseling. I surrounded myself with Good people who follow God. People that put God first in everything they do. I explained my situation and was completely honest about my faults and indiscretions I did not leave it one sided to make people feel bad for me. I stated all the facts and described both of our short comings. Things we both did and continued to do to hurt each other. Older and much wiser couples that had gone through it all opened my eyes. I grandmother told me "Son sometimes God will remove people from your life who have no intention of loving you the way you want and need to be loved". This made me think of the relationship I had and my marriage. Her husband told me "If a woman truly loves you, no one, not one person will ever be able to interject negativity into her heart. If she allowed negativity into her heart than she is only becoming the person she truly desired to be" I asked what he meant by that. He told me the following.
"Shawn you are good man, you love your children, you love God and even after all your loss your only concern is your wife's mental and physical well being. You pray for hours daily for her happiness not yours. You pray for God to pass any blessings you have coming on to her. Ask yourself if your soon to be exwife is on her knees praying for your happiness, your success, for your safety, for you to come back from all this damage and be blessed with an abundance of everything you have lost." I said I would think she wants the best for me. I can't believe that she would want me to suffer anymore than I have.
He said "If she truly wanted what was best for you, knowing your suffering. Why has she not done anything not even something as simple as writing a letter to allow you to end the suffering. Your life is held in the balance of other peoples hands because she does not have enough love for you to stand up and fight for you when you truly needed her to. You have worked, suffered in silence, become a man you never wanted to be because you wanted to fight for her believing she was Gods gift to you. God would never give you a gift that would intentionally break you. If she was ever really yours and a Gift from God she would fight for you." This brought me to tears. Realizing that I had spent my life fighting and loving someone who would never truly die for me as I would for her.
So we are separated and now I spend my days praying and trying to rebuild slowly the man God has planned for me to be. God has surrounded me with good and honest people. He has shown me through the power of prayer that God answers all prayers in his time. Sometimes God will destroy everything in your life and take everything from you to test your faith. I have prayed and never lost faith. While the memories will never leave my heart and when every song played will always remind me of her the pain has begun to fade. I miss my children and hate that they have been forced to go through all of this unnecessary pain.
I long for the day when I will be able to see my kids and hold them and hug them. I hate the feeling that my children may think at times that I do not love them which could not be further from the truth. My son is my best friend and my daughter is my heart. Together they have always given me the strength to push forward. God does everything for a reason so maybe this separation is also showing them something. I am not sure what the future holds but I do know whether I live another 50 years or die tomorrow I tried my best in the absence of true love, happiness and help. I repent for my sins and ask God to give me the strength to move forward.
You gentlemen if you feel like your losing everything and that you don't have the power to keep going, Remember God has enough strength for you both. When you look in the sand and see only one set of foot prints remember God is carrying you during your time of weakness. Love and pray for your ex to find what they think that they want and deserve. Prepare yourself for Gods blessings he has in store for you. Remember God will help you build a character so strong that the devil will try everything in the world to destroy you. Do not allow him in your mind, heart or space.
I now realize that living without God in the center of your life is not life it is simply existing. When you allow God to guide you in everything that you do, you will see a change in your heart, life, health and find true peace. I may never have my family back as we once were and I have to accept that my wife is going to give herself to someone else. With the life I have left I have come to accept that left over love is not what God has in mind for me and I am so excited to see what he has in store for my future.
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