In life we are all faced with trials and tribulations. We have to decide how to handle betrayal, disappointment, lies, deception and anger. I went through something I never thought I would ever face in my life. Overnight, my whole life changed. Everything I ever worked for in life was taken from me. I worked and saved for 20+ years to save and provide for my family hoping to build a substantial future for my children and wife. I knew my wife had certain issues that would continue to worsen over time and I wanted to be in a place where I could take care of her and all of her needs on a daily basis. I worked and prided myself on doing what was best for my family. In the end I was told that everything I built and worked didn't matter. I stood in my beautiful home and watched the girl that I have always loved more than my own life tell me I was a piece of sh*t. That everything I had worked so hard for meant nothing to her or my children.
This broke my heart and I really did not even know how to process this but I put on a facade and kept moving and pushing forward. I focused on my work and business to do what was needed to get to the place we had both agreed was our goal. I allowed people around both of us to manipulate our marriage and our character. She and I both became ugly in the way we spoke and treated each other. I hid her flaws and faults trying to protect the image she tried to portray so hard for so long. In the end just like Rome my whole life was torn down from the inside. I was left negative in every account, my credit was completely destroyed, people I believed were friends joined in and further manipulated the situation to benefit and take what they could never achieve on their own. I had to sit back and watch everyone destroy everything I worked for.
I prayed to God for about18 hours a day on my knees asking for help asking for guidance and for God to heal my heart and take the anger and disappointment away from me. I was with the love of my life for over 26 years and as I looked out a small window like in a bad movie I waited for her to come save me. I waited for the love in her heart to overcome everything. To look into our children's eyes and remember that she and I made a promise in front of God over everything to forgive each other and save each other from all danger even if we had to save each other from ourselves. This is when I found out that there is no true love and that people will choose themselves above everyone else when faced with the opportunity.
I sat there and waited from afar watching people demolish everything brick by brick through lies, deception, manipulation and out of pure evil take everything I built for my children. Today I am a shell of the man I used to be. I no longer have dreams and aspirations to be successful or to reach new heights in life. I go to church and spend my days praying to God to provide me with only the basics and peace. To teach me to find Joy in being broke and live in a world that measures success by monetary value with nothing but a small check every 10 days. My children who are my world and most important to me have been taken from me. The touch of my son’s hands and sideway hugs.The smell of my daughters hair and skin while she wraps her arms around me and tells me she loves me are all gone. I have missed almost a year of my childrens lives and they have been told and taught to move on without me. They have been told to live in the moment and that they can not live sad because I am gone.
Dealing with this is still something I am learning and praying for guidance on. The things that were done and taken from me were at the devil's hands and I know that. I know that God had nothing to do with the actions and hate against me used to crippal my present and future. I move in new paths and in new lights hoping to continue to improve my heart and mind. I have learned that true joy is not brought to you by your spouse or children. That monetary things will come and go as will family and given the opportunity people will disappoint you as you will them. God put us on this earth to see how we will handle disappointment and despair during bad times.
Today I make less in a month than I did in a day. I watch families come in where wives hug, kiss, honor and respect their husbands. I watch husbands hold and lead their wives without question and see the difference in what I had and what God may want me to have one day. You see there is a time limit on certain things in life and nothing is guaranteed. While in the end I had a plan for the future, people in the present were planning against me. I have learned so much during these past 9 months. I have learned and watched first hand the people who were supposed to be there for me turn their backs and intentionally hurt me. I have watched the love of my life united with those people take my life's work. I have watched people move on as my part in their lives had little if any importance. These lessons caused immeasurable pain and suffering. I found myself in a place where I believed that if I took my life it would make everyone happy. They could all get together and say they won, they did it, they destroyed me.
God pulled me away, opened the skies and let the sun set on me until all that pain was gone. I asked God why do you let me suffer, why do you let these people continue to hurt me and most of God why do you allow the suffering to continue. It hit me after hours of prayer that God only allows what you allow. I was allowing the suffering and thoughts of loss and suicide to overcome my joy. I was sitting around and wallowing in sorrow and disappointment. I allowed the devil to control my suffering and was too scared to stand up. I was afraid that if I stood up and tried to find any joy in the remaining of what I have left that it would be taken from me as well. So I decided to make a continuous decision and get baptized. To take that moment and ask God to forgive all my sins and tresspasses and forgive those that trespass against me. Even including the love of my life. I needed to learn that no matter how much I loved this person and the fact that I would literally die for her did not matter. I had to accept that what I thought was once mine would be given to another man. I had to accept that while I never left and I fought the demons in my heart on a daily basis, she had plans to move on.
This level of pain is unbearable and I by no means make any excuse for the outcome as I had my part in the loss of love. Every relationship takes two people to be successful or to fail. What I did learn above everything is to continue faith. No matter what happens in life, no matter how hurt you become, no matter how much you lose or is taken from you, no matter how disappointed you are for thinking people will fight as hard for you as you would or have for them and no matter what the devil does have FAITH. This life is simply a garden of practice where we prepare ourselves to be better and stronger for our next life. Some of us will be successful, some of us wont, some of us will lose everything and some of us will die alone in complete solace wondering how those we loved could do the unthinkable to us. I finish with, do not over think things, people in the end are people.
They will choose themselves, their own happiness and wants above all else each and every time. So when you feel down and the devil is in your mind, heart or soul trying to create havoc, remember to pray to our lord and savior Jesus Christ. Remember he paid the ultimate price and sacrificed his life in order for our sins to be forgiven. He truly lost everything, he gave his last breath on earth in hopes those who were supposed to love him would do the right thing and even God and Jesus Crist have been disappointed and let down by those same individuals they believed truly loved them. If people can turn their back on God and Jesus don't be surprised and or mad when people turn their backs on you. Free choice is something God gave to live here on earth to judge what we feel is the right thing. Our choices will be judged in the end and how we loved, honored and maintained loyalty will determine our eternal life upon our final breath.
Amen and God Bless…
Shawn August
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